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Anger, that old acqu |
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Anger, that old acquaintance
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п»їAnger, that old acquaintance
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Anger is that old friend, known to all, capable of transforming us in a matter of seconds... That's why dealing with it is not so easy. Some people express it as they feel it, others repress it or camouflage it with pleasant words and there are even those who transmute it into another type of more pleasant emotion... Anger is a complex emotion that requires a deep inner review and reflection.
How many of us have surprised ourselves by raising our voice or how many times someone has reacted in a disproportionate way for something that we considered a nonsense. Although it is true that on other occasions, we do expect a reprimand from our parents, partners, bosses or friends for something we have done wrong. But what is behind the anger?
I have been hearing for years from friends and acquaintances that expressing anger is positive, that we should let go of everything we feel in order to be calm. But, is this so? should we release to the other person the first thing that comes to our mind in any way? To get to know this emotion better, we are going to break it down in detail because not everything is what it seems. Let's go deeper.
What is anger? Generally, we feel anger when we consider that one or other people have intentionally provoked an offense to our personal identity. It gives us the impression of being humiliated. Thus, it is not only about not having achieved something we had set out to achieve, but it requires the connotation of having suffered an insult or injury, or at least feeling it.
We can also experience anger when we observe social injustices. If we are walking down the street and witness a parent's mistreatment of their child, we may feel anger or great indignation.
"Anyone can get angry - that's easy, but getting angry at the right person, at the right level, at the right point at the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way - that's not within everyone's power and it's not easy."
-Aristotle-
Many of you may be thinking, "I know people who feel a lot of anger when the printer fails." In this case, believe it or not, there is also a process of humiliation. How is this? Some people are so negative that they interpret much of what happens in their lives as an attack, wherever it comes from. If the printer doesn't work, their thought might be something like "life is laughing at me, and now it's expressing it by making the printer fail".
In this way, we realize that we do not need a physical and external agent to subject us to humiliation, but that it is enough for us to interpret the intentionality on the part of something external to us to become angry. This aspect is particularly important because it makes us focus on ourselves. Are we annoyed by others or are we annoyed by ourselves?
Anger and egoWhen we react with anger, we are somehow trying to safeguard or increase our self-esteem. Thus, when we feel that our ego is threatened, our response may be one of anger at the situation.
If we react with anger when someone honks at us while we are driving, we tend to interpret that he or she is reproaching us for something wrong with our behavior. In this way, we feel our identity threatened by thinking that our ways of being and acting are wrong.
Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, argued that "it is cowardice, worthy only of a slave, to suffer an insult and let people of one's affection be attacked with impunity". From such a statement we can derive a rather simple justification for giving vent to anger. Is it worth reacting angrily to an insult? Sometimes we invest too much energy in tasks that do not require the slightest effort.
On one occasion, Buddha's disciples came to him and worriedly asked: "Master, wherever we go we are laughed at and insulted, how is it possible that you are not the least bit affected? To this Buddha replied: "The insult may come from them, but it never reaches me". This valuable teaching of Buddha is contrasted with the Aristotelian argument of cowardice. The first implies suffering, the second implies peace and serenity, which one do you choose?
Anger and actionWhen we feel our personal identity attacked, we experience a great physiological activation that is accompanied by a tendency to attack the person we consider responsible for the damage. This attack can be either physical or verbal. The response will depend on our degree of control and interpretation of the situation.
At other times, when the person we feel has offended us is our boss, the way to express anger may be to perform less well at our job. We know that if we respond aggressively the consequences could be worse, such as dismissal. So in situations where we may jeopardize some aspect of our life we opt to take more indirect actions.
Once we have unloaded all our anger on someone, one emotion that usually makes an appearance is guilt. When we have reconsidered the situation, we often feel guilty because we realize that we have gone too far. In this way, guilt acts to make us reconsider whether our reaction has been the most appropriate.
Finally, we should mention those people who always seem to be angry. In this case we could be talking about a trait of anger, i.e., they have made anger a way of life. Their mental patterns have been configured in such a way that they only know how to react in this way. In fact, there are different questionnaires and tests to measure anger such as the STAXI-2: "State-Trait Anger Expression Inventory". This questionnaire was initially developed by Charles B. Spielberg and translated into Spanish. Spielberg and translated into Spanish by Juan JosГ© Miguel Tobal's team.
How can I manage anger There is nothing better to start calming anger than to take a few diaphragmatic breaths, while reflecting on whether the person we consider to be to blame for our state really intended to offend us.
On many occasions, we react because we are oversaturated with demands, perhaps because we have had a bad day and anything excites us emotionally. Therefore, understanding or at least considering the possibility that others can also have such bad days will help us to understand the way they react and not take them so much to heart.
If our boss speaks badly to us for something we have done, he could also have spoken in the same way to another employee, so we should not take it personally, but as a way of reacting to the other person and that we have been caught in the middle.
Although it may seem that others have dominion over our emotional states, the power over anger is in our own hands. We decide whether we get angry or not. Leaving something as valuable as happiness in the hands of others is undoubtedly too high a price to pay.
Finally, I invite you to see yourselves as active agents in the face of an insult and not as someone passive who simply reacts. The power is in your hands.
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2022/02/02 23:35:10 |
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Borderline disorder |
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VivianAcrom |
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Borderline disorder and the relationship with dogs
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п»їBorderline disorder and the relationship with dogs
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People with borderline personality disorder often feel a great inner emptiness, in many cases the result of dysfunctional childhood experiences. When asked about their history, it can be seen that in a large number of people the same pattern is repeated: unavailable parents, lack of affection or attention, invalidation of emotional needs, etc.
It is not only the disabling environment that is responsible for the genesis of borderline personality disorder. Genetics plays a substantial role that must be taken into account. What is certain is that in the end, the patient feels broken inside, lost, drowned in hopelessness.
The fear of possible abandonment is so great that in order to confirm their own beliefs they tend to self-destruct and, therefore, to push away the people who love them.
It should be noted that borderline patients are extremely sensitive and feel deep emotional pain when they are contradicted or frustrated in any way.
The dogs or pets to which they are attached do not judge them and will not abandon them. This causes the BPD patient to attach to them as a means of obtaining love without having to go through the process of getting hurt, as often happens to them in interpersonal relationships.
Due to these deficiencies, it has been seen that there are a large number of patients suffering from borderline disorder who become attached to pets, particularly dogs. It is as if that animal largely covers up the deep inner emptiness they endure every day.
Borderline disorder and the relationship with dogs: benefits of this bondThere are more, but we will list and describe the most important contributions to understand how the relationship between borderline disorder and the relationship with dogs is:
Emotional validation. Contrary to what can happen with interpersonal relationships, animals cannot emotionally invalidate the BPD patient. Emotional invalidation involves denying the patient his or her own emotions. Usually the family environment of the person with borderline disorder has tended to invalidate, telling the patient phrases such as: "You shouldn't be thirsty, you just drank" or "I don't understand why you cry all the time if you have everything". A dog, on the contrary, cannot do this, which generates that the person feels totally accepted and validated.
Lack of judgment. A pet cannot judge its owner. Firstly, because it does not have a language to express it and secondly, because it does not harbor the cultural and social beliefs that humans do have. These beliefs, stereotypes or prejudices are sometimes responsible for the judgments we make towards others. BPD patients suffer unbearable emotional pain when a judgment is passed on them about some behavior and this causes them to fail in relationships. Therefore, the dog or pet of their choice can bring them great calm by not having to face any judgments about themselves.
Companionship. The dog can bring great companionship to the patient suffering from BPD. Even if the person feels unhappy, is crying or is in a moment of instability, the dog will stay by his side, as we said before, without judging. The companionship provided by the dog translates into affection and warmth. Sometimes these patients need just that to get back into balance. In this sense, dogs can do a great job in the emotional regulation of patients.
Unconditional love. Dogs provide love without needing to receive anything in return. As BPD patients have a very low self-esteem, dogs can make up for this lack, helping them to feel better. Many of the behaviors of BPD patients are carried out precisely in search of love, affection and understanding. The problem is that in many cases they produce the opposite effect and people end up repudiating the patient and moving away. Faced with this dynamic, the dog will always give unconditional love to the owner with BPD, even if he is not at his best.
Disadvantages of dogs for the BPD patient
Although BPD patients have a special attachment to dogs, it is also true that not all of them are advantages. The dog can become an emotional buffer, acting as a kind of emotional band-aid.
Their mission is to cover up the patient's dysfunctional and painful emotions. This is fine in the first instance, as it helps the BPD patient to regulate himself and feel emotionally more stable -something that is a priority objective of any psychological treatment with this population-.
The problem is that this dog-patient relationship, the person can become dependent, causing the patient not to face other interpersonal situations. There is a risk that the person becomes locked into the relationship with his or her animal.
Therefore, it will be necessary to "use" the relationship in a prudent manner. The idea is to maximize the benefits that the pet can bring, but without making emotions dependent on it. The person with BPD should also set relational goals with people around him/her, be willing to be frustrated at times or to receive criticism and learn to manage and cope with it.
Another disadvantage of these attachment relationships with the pet is to face the fact that the pet will die long before the patient. This can lead to a major crisis with all that this entails -ideas of self-injury, impulses, aggression, intense dysphoria...etc-.
Therefore, as in everything, there will exist a point of balance in which the virtue resides. Patients with BPD can benefit from having the company of an animal, but special care must also be taken not to generate a toxic attachment that becomes a substitute for efficient emotional regulation.
Borderline disorder and the relationship with dogs is a very interesting subject in which there are still many facets to discover. However, we know that if the bond is balanced, it can help the person with this disorder a lot.
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The Destructive Pride of Borderline Personality Disorder
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2022/02/02 22:10:35 |
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5 Cognitive biases t |
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5 Cognitive biases that favor the powerful
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п»їNurturing and love, two words that go hand in hand around the world
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Parenting and family building are two of the most wonderful and magical challenges that life can present us with. Why? Because from the very first moment children become the parents' greatest treasure, their place in the world, their home, their corner, their everything.
To raise and to love are two verbs that travel the world hand in hand, because the vast majority of parents, from the deepest and most unconditional affection, share their thoughts and emotions with their children, rediscover life, explore the world and help the family evolve as a nucleus of noble values.
It is only fair to point out then that parenting is not easy, for although the adventure of parenting brings people closer to the real world and puts their feet on the ground, in reality educating in love and positive values is one of the most colossal tasks there is.
"You will teach to fly, but they will not fly your flight. You will teach to dream, but they will not dream your dream. You will teach to live, but they will not live your life.
However... in every flight, in every life, in every dream, there will always remain the imprint
of the path taught.
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta
The family, the cradle of emotional educationOur lights and shadows are individually projected within the family conditions that favor our development. Kaye's expression is therefore correct when he states that "the child is placed by the family system in which he is born in the position of apprentice of the system; therefore we can ask ourselves what are those characteristics of the family systems that will facilitate or hinder the apprentice to become an adult capable of permanently evolving or blind to this possibility".
Being parents is usually inherent to the restlessness and the need to learn how to perform our roles in the best possible way. This implies that we must enhance our communicative and personal skills in relation to our roles as parents and as people. This confluence requires, therefore, that we approach emotional education from the very beginning.
Emotional education begins at birth, since the way in which parents convey their affection, expectations and beliefs about the child is a determining factor in the child's development. Specifically, the first years of life are decisive for several reasons:
In the first two years of life the most notable influence on a child corresponds to the establishment of a basic security framework, which after all is transmitted through physical and affective contact with the child.
From the age of two, a key aspect becomes part of emotional education: language. Its appearance and evolution make it possible to put words to behaviors, ways of being, feeling and thinking. This milestone undoubtedly marks a before and after.
It is at this time that children become expert emotional explorers and constantly seek the attributions of their parents in approval mode, which makes them order, understand, predict and deal with the world and with themselves.
The 5 fundamental pillars of the emotional educationTo make a correct emotional investment in the education of our children we must attend to, at least, five fundamental pillars:
The accompaniment through words and deeds: communicating in a correct, sincere and emotional way with our family is one of the key supports when it comes to sustaining good relationships with our children, whether they are children or are already on their way to adulthood. At this point it is essential to be consistent and analyze our actions.
Emotional self-knowledge: if we want to captivate our children through emotions, we must reflect a good emotional adjustment, which can only be achieved if we are clear about which emotions are healthy and which are unhealthy, always starting from the premise that we must offer them resources for a good understanding and management.
To manage our emotions: to be aware of our thoughts, to raise in an assertive way the disagreements, to create in family and to manage correctly the tensions and the stress are the foundations of the emotional intelligence that sustains a healthy and happy family.
Serenity in communication, the basis of family reconciliation: trust and reconciliation allow us to recognize ourselves as a family within our own diversity. That is why we must strengthen our empathic and interpersonal communication skills, which will allow us to solve problems and conflicts in an adequate manner.
Encourage the interest in knowing the universe of emotions: exploration and curiosity is the cornerstone of any good education. Likewise, through exploration and hetero-knowledge we reinforce the pillars that support a mind free of prejudices and stereotypes.
Respect and emotional validation: we must be clear that, as Carl R. Rogers wrote in his book "The process of becoming a person", we are unaware of the tremendous pressure we exert on the people we love to have the same feelings as us. That is to say that often with our way of speaking and acting we seem to say "if you want me to love you, you must feel the same way I do". If I feel that your behavior is bad, you should feel the same way; if I feel that a certain goal is desirable, you should feel the same way.
There are no perfect parents, but there are many ways to be good parentsBeing the perfect parents 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is a titanic task. That's why in this regard we must be honest and admit that not everything is wonderful and that there is no ideal prototype by which we can be guided.
Thus, by direct or indirect experience, we all know that the important thing about parents is not that they are people with imperfections and insecurities, but that as such they offer their children the possibility of living in a balanced, enriching and emotionally intelligent world.
There is no magic formula for this, but there is one ingredient that all good educational principles share: infinite love. It is this feeling that enhances the day-to-day work of parenting and ensures that parents are able to offer the best version of themselves as educators.
Illustrations courtesy of Claudia Tremblay and VГctor Rivas FernГЎndez.
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2022/02/02 18:30:15 |
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A journey into your |
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A journey into your memories
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п»їPenelope, the myth of the woman who waits forever.
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The myth of Penelope is part of the epic poem The Odyssey, written by Homer. The function of the epic is, among others, to build role models for people to imitate. The characters that intervene in its narratives are archetypal. That is, they synthesize a series of values and skills that make them the ideals of being for a society.
As is often the case with these mythical stories, the most interesting messages are those that come between the lines. The story of Penelope is, in itself, very beautiful, and it is also very revealing to scrutinize what it represents from a cultural point of view. In this case, they speak to us of the feminine and the position of women in a couple's relationship.
Penelope is the symbol of fidelity and self-sacrifice, but she also exhibits traits that appear in different mythologies. These traits have to do with cunning and the ability to deceive as weapons to achieve her purposes. The feminine, then, appears as an ambiguous, unreliable and, by the same token, dangerous terrain.
"Alas, alas, how mortals blame the gods, for from us, they say, come evils. But they too by their stupidity endure pains beyond their due."
-Homero-
The story of PenelopeAccording to the tale created by Homer, Penelope is born in Sparta, to a freshwater nymph and the king of the region himself. It all begins when Ulysses, a brave warrior, feels lonely and decides to look for a woman to accompany and comfort him. His search leads him to Sparta, where he meets the most beautiful woman he had ever seen: Helen. The same Helen of Troy.
This woman was so beautiful that her suitors numbered in the hundreds. The girl's father, and Odysseus himself, feared that the dispute for her love would unleash chaos in Sparta. So the two agreed to decree that the victorious suitor should be respected by those who were defeated. Ulysses felt uneasy about the situation.
By this time a beautiful woman named Penelope had arrived in Sparta. She was Helen's cousin and had come to give him advice. When Ulysses and Penelope meet, they fall in love at first sight. Both remain silent, knowing that they never wanted to be separated.
The departure to Ithaca and the separationUlysses and Penelope went to live in Ithaca. Her father, Icarus, tried to keep her in Sparta. She only kept silent and covered her face with a veil. Thus she implied that she would go with Ulysses. In the place where this happened, Icario later built a temple dedicated to modesty.
The new couple left, but not before giving each other a long kiss as a seal for their love. Already in Ithaca, a year later, they had a son: Telemachus. Shortly after, the Trojan War broke out and Ulysses had to leave. It took him 10 years in the war and another 10 on his return journey. During that time he was seduced by a nymph, a magician and a princess, but he always had his wife and son in his mind.
Meanwhile, Penelope, being a woman who was alone, began to be surrounded by multiple suitors. They took up residence in her house. They ate and drank as they pleased. They all urged her to accept one of them, for they thought Ulysses was dead. She, however, felt that her husband was alive and would return.
Penelope's cunningTo evade the decision to accept any of her suitors, Penelope said she would choose when she finished weaving a tapestry. What she came up with was to weave by day and unweave by night. Thus she spent four years, at the end of which, Ulysses finally returned. After a series of tests, he managed to recognize him. Ulysses, for his part, put an end to the suitors.
The truth is that there are several versions of what happened. The most widespread, and the one we most like to hear, says that "they lived happily ever after". Another version says that Ulysses repudiated his wife, because he accused her of having been the one who had attracted the suitors. There are also versions that he killed her for having been unfaithful or that he returned her to her father for the same reason.
Penelope is the model of the self-sacrificing woman, who keeps silent and waits. She is forced to do and undo, again and again, her own work while the "lost" love returns. Her tapestry represents that vicious circle of resistance. Her attitude, what Western culture established as ideal for a wife.
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The way you describe |
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VivianAcrom |
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The way you describe others says a lot about you
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п»їThe way you describe others says a lot about you
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The way you describe others defines you. The way you label, judge and value those around you gives a glimpse of part of your personality, they are subtle but always evident brushstrokes of your identity and even your self-esteem. This is something that we undoubtedly see on a daily basis and that we also suffer when others attribute traits to us that have nothing to do with us.
Let's face it, we all make judgments of those we come across every day. Doing so is a more than evident need of our brain to try to control our environment and to know, in some way, where we stand. We are therefore facing a perfectly normal and even obvious psychological process, a mechanism that controls the amygdala in its usual purpose of guaranteeing our survival.
"Discretion in words is worth more than eloquence."
-Francis Bacon
In fact, in an interesting study carried out at the University of Psychology of New York, and published in the Journal of Neuroscience, they explain that this small brain structure assesses in just a few milliseconds if someone is trustworthy or not, if that person is interesting to us or, on the contrary, if he or she is someone to avoid. In fact, we could say almost without mistake that for our brain the first impression is everything, although obviously, there are small and interesting nuances.
Thus, when the cerebral amygdala makes that very quick assessment of whether someone can be trusted, the filter of our personality comes into play next. It will be the one who, despite this first assessment, chooses to approach (or not) that person to check whether this first judgment is correct. It will also be she who will make derogatory attributions (or not) to those who inspire distrust, she in essence, who articulates, mediates and determines the way in which we relate to and treat others.
The way you describe others gives you awayA Chinese proverb says that sometimes you can crush a person just by the weight of your tongue. It is a great truth and no one can doubt how the movements of a tongue (without the need for bone) can do so much damage and wreak so much havoc. This is something that most of us see on a daily basis in almost any context, at work, at home, among friends....
People communicate with others as part of our socialization process. Thus, and during these interactions, it is common to be polite, correct and solicitous. However, if there is a widespread virus, it is the exercise of criticism, the use of labels, contempt and even the lowest offense. Those profiles that like to attribute negative traits to others almost constantly abound in excess. As an exercise to be practiced daily, as that habit that more than a punctual whim is a habit.
"You are what you say." This statement is not ours, but that of Dr. Skowronski of Wake Forest University in North Carolina, who conducted a detailed research on personality styles and the attributions we make. She made clear a fact that we all intuitively know: the way you describe others defines you. We are what we say, we are everything we infer and project onto those around us.
The one who uses derogatory labels, the one with the dark glassesThere is the one who does not want to see. Those who are always wearing their dark glasses and with their myopic gaze, moving through a blurred world that is best to be wary of. They are those profiles that get carried away by stereotypes and do not want to see beyond, they are those who despise and objectify, those who mock and criticize those who are not, think and feel like them.
If the way you describe others gives a glimpse of your personality, those who always use negative labels and criticisms often show that inner emptiness where the lack of self-esteem dwells, where the use of disqualification allows frustration and unhappiness to show through.
The one who practices affiliation, the one with the rose-colored glassesIn the aforementioned research at Wake Forest University, something very striking could be seen. People who were less judgmental were the ones who showed more affiliative skills. Thus, those who are more positive, optimistic and have good self-esteem are not so much influenced by these pre-judgments and prefer to make contact and establish closeness.
Only when we allow the use of assessments, labels and inferences with little or no solidity to fall by the wayside do we increase the possibilities of affiliation with those around us, of creating new, stronger friendships, of shaping more respectful environments with far fewer prejudices.
When you describe others without the weight of mistrust, prejudice and mockery, you almost unknowingly allow yourself the opportunity to generate greater synergy with the people around you, free from the wall of stereotypes and pigeonholing.
In conclusion, let us therefore avoid the excessive use of our dark-tinted glasses. Of course, they will often be useful to protect us from certain harmful reflections, but it is always better to remove filters and widen our vision as much as possible. An awake, interesting and humble look will always capture much more than those eyes used to live in their own darkness...
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