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5 Cognitive biases t |
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5 Cognitive biases that favor the powerful
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п»їNurturing and love, two words that go hand in hand around the world
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Parenting and family building are two of the most wonderful and magical challenges that life can present us with. Why? Because from the very first moment children become the parents' greatest treasure, their place in the world, their home, their corner, their everything.
To raise and to love are two verbs that travel the world hand in hand, because the vast majority of parents, from the deepest and most unconditional affection, share their thoughts and emotions with their children, rediscover life, explore the world and help the family evolve as a nucleus of noble values.
It is only fair to point out then that parenting is not easy, for although the adventure of parenting brings people closer to the real world and puts their feet on the ground, in reality educating in love and positive values is one of the most colossal tasks there is.
"You will teach to fly, but they will not fly your flight. You will teach to dream, but they will not dream your dream. You will teach to live, but they will not live your life.
However... in every flight, in every life, in every dream, there will always remain the imprint
of the path taught.
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta
The family, the cradle of emotional educationOur lights and shadows are individually projected within the family conditions that favor our development. Kaye's expression is therefore correct when he states that "the child is placed by the family system in which he is born in the position of apprentice of the system; therefore we can ask ourselves what are those characteristics of the family systems that will facilitate or hinder the apprentice to become an adult capable of permanently evolving or blind to this possibility".
Being parents is usually inherent to the restlessness and the need to learn how to perform our roles in the best possible way. This implies that we must enhance our communicative and personal skills in relation to our roles as parents and as people. This confluence requires, therefore, that we approach emotional education from the very beginning.
Emotional education begins at birth, since the way in which parents convey their affection, expectations and beliefs about the child is a determining factor in the child's development. Specifically, the first years of life are decisive for several reasons:
In the first two years of life the most notable influence on a child corresponds to the establishment of a basic security framework, which after all is transmitted through physical and affective contact with the child.
From the age of two, a key aspect becomes part of emotional education: language. Its appearance and evolution make it possible to put words to behaviors, ways of being, feeling and thinking. This milestone undoubtedly marks a before and after.
It is at this time that children become expert emotional explorers and constantly seek the attributions of their parents in approval mode, which makes them order, understand, predict and deal with the world and with themselves.
The 5 fundamental pillars of the emotional educationTo make a correct emotional investment in the education of our children we must attend to, at least, five fundamental pillars:
The accompaniment through words and deeds: communicating in a correct, sincere and emotional way with our family is one of the key supports when it comes to sustaining good relationships with our children, whether they are children or are already on their way to adulthood. At this point it is essential to be consistent and analyze our actions.
Emotional self-knowledge: if we want to captivate our children through emotions, we must reflect a good emotional adjustment, which can only be achieved if we are clear about which emotions are healthy and which are unhealthy, always starting from the premise that we must offer them resources for a good understanding and management.
To manage our emotions: to be aware of our thoughts, to raise in an assertive way the disagreements, to create in family and to manage correctly the tensions and the stress are the foundations of the emotional intelligence that sustains a healthy and happy family.
Serenity in communication, the basis of family reconciliation: trust and reconciliation allow us to recognize ourselves as a family within our own diversity. That is why we must strengthen our empathic and interpersonal communication skills, which will allow us to solve problems and conflicts in an adequate manner.
Encourage the interest in knowing the universe of emotions: exploration and curiosity is the cornerstone of any good education. Likewise, through exploration and hetero-knowledge we reinforce the pillars that support a mind free of prejudices and stereotypes.
Respect and emotional validation: we must be clear that, as Carl R. Rogers wrote in his book "The process of becoming a person", we are unaware of the tremendous pressure we exert on the people we love to have the same feelings as us. That is to say that often with our way of speaking and acting we seem to say "if you want me to love you, you must feel the same way I do". If I feel that your behavior is bad, you should feel the same way; if I feel that a certain goal is desirable, you should feel the same way.
There are no perfect parents, but there are many ways to be good parentsBeing the perfect parents 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is a titanic task. That's why in this regard we must be honest and admit that not everything is wonderful and that there is no ideal prototype by which we can be guided.
Thus, by direct or indirect experience, we all know that the important thing about parents is not that they are people with imperfections and insecurities, but that as such they offer their children the possibility of living in a balanced, enriching and emotionally intelligent world.
There is no magic formula for this, but there is one ingredient that all good educational principles share: infinite love. It is this feeling that enhances the day-to-day work of parenting and ensures that parents are able to offer the best version of themselves as educators.
Illustrations courtesy of Claudia Tremblay and VГctor Rivas FernГЎndez.
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п»їPenelope, the myth of the woman who waits forever.
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The myth of Penelope is part of the epic poem The Odyssey, written by Homer. The function of the epic is, among others, to build role models for people to imitate. The characters that intervene in its narratives are archetypal. That is, they synthesize a series of values and skills that make them the ideals of being for a society.
As is often the case with these mythical stories, the most interesting messages are those that come between the lines. The story of Penelope is, in itself, very beautiful, and it is also very revealing to scrutinize what it represents from a cultural point of view. In this case, they speak to us of the feminine and the position of women in a couple's relationship.
Penelope is the symbol of fidelity and self-sacrifice, but she also exhibits traits that appear in different mythologies. These traits have to do with cunning and the ability to deceive as weapons to achieve her purposes. The feminine, then, appears as an ambiguous, unreliable and, by the same token, dangerous terrain.
"Alas, alas, how mortals blame the gods, for from us, they say, come evils. But they too by their stupidity endure pains beyond their due."
-Homero-
The story of PenelopeAccording to the tale created by Homer, Penelope is born in Sparta, to a freshwater nymph and the king of the region himself. It all begins when Ulysses, a brave warrior, feels lonely and decides to look for a woman to accompany and comfort him. His search leads him to Sparta, where he meets the most beautiful woman he had ever seen: Helen. The same Helen of Troy.
This woman was so beautiful that her suitors numbered in the hundreds. The girl's father, and Odysseus himself, feared that the dispute for her love would unleash chaos in Sparta. So the two agreed to decree that the victorious suitor should be respected by those who were defeated. Ulysses felt uneasy about the situation.
By this time a beautiful woman named Penelope had arrived in Sparta. She was Helen's cousin and had come to give him advice. When Ulysses and Penelope meet, they fall in love at first sight. Both remain silent, knowing that they never wanted to be separated.
The departure to Ithaca and the separationUlysses and Penelope went to live in Ithaca. Her father, Icarus, tried to keep her in Sparta. She only kept silent and covered her face with a veil. Thus she implied that she would go with Ulysses. In the place where this happened, Icario later built a temple dedicated to modesty.
The new couple left, but not before giving each other a long kiss as a seal for their love. Already in Ithaca, a year later, they had a son: Telemachus. Shortly after, the Trojan War broke out and Ulysses had to leave. It took him 10 years in the war and another 10 on his return journey. During that time he was seduced by a nymph, a magician and a princess, but he always had his wife and son in his mind.
Meanwhile, Penelope, being a woman who was alone, began to be surrounded by multiple suitors. They took up residence in her house. They ate and drank as they pleased. They all urged her to accept one of them, for they thought Ulysses was dead. She, however, felt that her husband was alive and would return.
Penelope's cunningTo evade the decision to accept any of her suitors, Penelope said she would choose when she finished weaving a tapestry. What she came up with was to weave by day and unweave by night. Thus she spent four years, at the end of which, Ulysses finally returned. After a series of tests, he managed to recognize him. Ulysses, for his part, put an end to the suitors.
The truth is that there are several versions of what happened. The most widespread, and the one we most like to hear, says that "they lived happily ever after". Another version says that Ulysses repudiated his wife, because he accused her of having been the one who had attracted the suitors. There are also versions that he killed her for having been unfaithful or that he returned her to her father for the same reason.
Penelope is the model of the self-sacrificing woman, who keeps silent and waits. She is forced to do and undo, again and again, her own work while the "lost" love returns. Her tapestry represents that vicious circle of resistance. Her attitude, what Western culture established as ideal for a wife.
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The way you describe |
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The way you describe others says a lot about you
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п»їThe way you describe others says a lot about you
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The way you describe others defines you. The way you label, judge and value those around you gives a glimpse of part of your personality, they are subtle but always evident brushstrokes of your identity and even your self-esteem. This is something that we undoubtedly see on a daily basis and that we also suffer when others attribute traits to us that have nothing to do with us.
Let's face it, we all make judgments of those we come across every day. Doing so is a more than evident need of our brain to try to control our environment and to know, in some way, where we stand. We are therefore facing a perfectly normal and even obvious psychological process, a mechanism that controls the amygdala in its usual purpose of guaranteeing our survival.
"Discretion in words is worth more than eloquence."
-Francis Bacon
In fact, in an interesting study carried out at the University of Psychology of New York, and published in the Journal of Neuroscience, they explain that this small brain structure assesses in just a few milliseconds if someone is trustworthy or not, if that person is interesting to us or, on the contrary, if he or she is someone to avoid. In fact, we could say almost without mistake that for our brain the first impression is everything, although obviously, there are small and interesting nuances.
Thus, when the cerebral amygdala makes that very quick assessment of whether someone can be trusted, the filter of our personality comes into play next. It will be the one who, despite this first assessment, chooses to approach (or not) that person to check whether this first judgment is correct. It will also be she who will make derogatory attributions (or not) to those who inspire distrust, she in essence, who articulates, mediates and determines the way in which we relate to and treat others.
The way you describe others gives you awayA Chinese proverb says that sometimes you can crush a person just by the weight of your tongue. It is a great truth and no one can doubt how the movements of a tongue (without the need for bone) can do so much damage and wreak so much havoc. This is something that most of us see on a daily basis in almost any context, at work, at home, among friends....
People communicate with others as part of our socialization process. Thus, and during these interactions, it is common to be polite, correct and solicitous. However, if there is a widespread virus, it is the exercise of criticism, the use of labels, contempt and even the lowest offense. Those profiles that like to attribute negative traits to others almost constantly abound in excess. As an exercise to be practiced daily, as that habit that more than a punctual whim is a habit.
"You are what you say." This statement is not ours, but that of Dr. Skowronski of Wake Forest University in North Carolina, who conducted a detailed research on personality styles and the attributions we make. She made clear a fact that we all intuitively know: the way you describe others defines you. We are what we say, we are everything we infer and project onto those around us.
The one who uses derogatory labels, the one with the dark glassesThere is the one who does not want to see. Those who are always wearing their dark glasses and with their myopic gaze, moving through a blurred world that is best to be wary of. They are those profiles that get carried away by stereotypes and do not want to see beyond, they are those who despise and objectify, those who mock and criticize those who are not, think and feel like them.
If the way you describe others gives a glimpse of your personality, those who always use negative labels and criticisms often show that inner emptiness where the lack of self-esteem dwells, where the use of disqualification allows frustration and unhappiness to show through.
The one who practices affiliation, the one with the rose-colored glassesIn the aforementioned research at Wake Forest University, something very striking could be seen. People who were less judgmental were the ones who showed more affiliative skills. Thus, those who are more positive, optimistic and have good self-esteem are not so much influenced by these pre-judgments and prefer to make contact and establish closeness.
Only when we allow the use of assessments, labels and inferences with little or no solidity to fall by the wayside do we increase the possibilities of affiliation with those around us, of creating new, stronger friendships, of shaping more respectful environments with far fewer prejudices.
When you describe others without the weight of mistrust, prejudice and mockery, you almost unknowingly allow yourself the opportunity to generate greater synergy with the people around you, free from the wall of stereotypes and pigeonholing.
In conclusion, let us therefore avoid the excessive use of our dark-tinted glasses. Of course, they will often be useful to protect us from certain harmful reflections, but it is always better to remove filters and widen our vision as much as possible. An awake, interesting and humble look will always capture much more than those eyes used to live in their own darkness...
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There are as many types of relationships as there are colors in the world. There are couples who have a great start but that love suddenly fades, but there are also other relationships that are able to emerge stronger from adversities. In this way, the difficulties will make them more united and have a stable and lasting connection. But how can you know if your relationship is going well?
But why do some relationships last and others die quickly? According to psychologist John Gottman - with more than 40 years of experience researching relationships - most breakups are not caused by major differences of opinion, but by the inability to communicate these opinions assertively and respectfully. In other words, it is not the lack of coincidence but the inability to communicate that kills couples.
For Dr. John Gottman, the best place to investigate the dynamics of a couple is in their everyday places, within their usual environments, which he calls "laboratories of love". He states that he and his team have seen so many cases that, with just five minutes of observation and listening, they are able to make a prognosis about the couple's continuity.
"Love and do what you want. If you keep silent, you will keep silent with love; if you shout, you will shout with love; if you correct, you will correct with love; if you forgive, you will forgive with love."
-Tacitus-
Thanks to all the findings made in these investigations, today we can take into account some signs that will help you to know if your relationship is on the right track. We hope they will be useful and help you to reflect.
You complain, but don't criticizeYour complaints can be about what is happening, so don't blame your partner for what is happening. It is necessary not to complain against each other and start looking for solutions as soon as you perceive something as negative so that the situation does not become too unstable.
It is also very important to never criticize the character or personality of the partner, as this can do very deep damage to the heart. Something that can certainly wither the plant of love little by little.
For example, if your partner has forgotten to pay a traffic ticket on time, has been penalized and now the fine is more expensive, you can open a discussion with her about what has happened. However, when you do so, do not bring up a collection of actions that he or she has also done wrong because your complaint, although well-intentioned, can turn into a terribly destructive criticism.
"We learn to love not when we find the perfect person, but when we come to see in a perfect way an imperfect person."
-Sam Keen
You treat each other with kindness all the timeSometimes, over time couples lose respect for each other because each partner does not do it to themselves individually. It is necessary to work on self-esteem and assertiveness in order to be kind to oneself, to others and, of course, to one's partner.
A sign that a couple is on the right track is that you can talk to each other in a cordial, kind and friendly way.
You need to connect with yourself and work on good communication to make this a habit. This will reflect respect for each other, something that will certainly foster a long-lasting relationship. If you don't know how to do this, you can do a little exercise for a few days. Try to treat your partner as if they were someone you just met and liked, ask questions even if you already know part of the answer and listen actively.
... you will be amazed at the changes you will start to see in your relationship!
You are not contemptuous of your partner nor do you feel that they are contemptuous of youLove is universal but at the same time it has to be unique to the hearts that share it. One of the first aspects where couples show that they have fallen in love is in language. That which from the outside may seem corny, is part of the glue of love and its disappearance is one of the first indicators that a couple is in crisis.
It is not because they stop using certain words, certain ways of referring to each other, what changes first is the way in which it is said. Even these affectionate references can be exchanged for insults, contempt, hateful looks or hurtful remarks.
"To love is not only to want, it is above all to understand."
-Françoise Sagan
Sometimes with all the intention in the world and sometimes without measuring the consequences, the truth is that a destructive language will gradually generate a resentment that later will not be easy to identify and even less to heal. No matter how hard it blows and how many words it is, the wind does not carry away personal attacks, nor poisoned recriminations, nor insults. These phrases leave such a deep mark that it is worth making the effort to apply preventive rather than restorative measures.
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